I have an active imagination and bring this into the work I do as a psychologist and sexologist. One of the more interesting questions I ask my clients when they are coming for treatment for a sexual problem, such as Erectile Dysfunction or Premature Ejaculation is: “If your penis could talk, what would he say?” When I ask this, I normally am confronted with a strange look upon my client’s face. However, once this is answered it often reveals the source of the problem for most men’s sexual dysfunctions.
If you have ever suffered from performance anxiety, or have experienced an issue in the bedroom, which is very common, you may want to ask yourself this question. Overall, I don’t feel that sexual dysfunctions are properly understood by men. As a sexologist, my job is to determine whether the issue is biological, psychological or both in its cause. The answer to the origin of the problem will then help me determine the method that I will use to treat the issue clinically. This question is one of the methods I use to help me with this process.
You can help yourself to unravel some of the mystery of your own sexual functioning if you imagine that your penis could talk. What would he say about the type of people you are sleeping with? What would he say about how quickly you decide to put him into dark, tight places? What would he say about the types of places you take him and show him? I find that most men don’t reflect often enough on these questions. The consequence of not thinking about how we feel about our sexual experiences are sexual dysfunctions and relationship issues. Perhaps you too have never thought about the relevance of feeling safe, happy, satisfied and attracted to the people you are having sex with?
It may surprise many readers, but many of the people I speak with will have sex with people that they are not attracted to. Many people will have sex with people they are angry with or afraid of. Many people rush to sexualise a relationship because they think it will help them to keep a partner around. These unhelpful but popular approaches will create sexual dysfunctions such as Premature Ejaculation and Erectile Dysfunction. If you want to improve your confidence in the bedroom then take my advice, listen to what your penis is trying to tell you!
The truth about sexual dysfunctions is that they are normally a way in which the body is trying to protect you. Think about it, if you are feeling unsafe in a relationship, it would make sense for your penis to not show up and hide if he was feeling insecure. Same for if he was angry also, he would be stupid to have sex with someone he was angry with and quite clever if he passively aggressively didn’t give the other person what they wanted, i.e. a good orgasm. Many people make jokes about how men think with the other head besides the one on top of their neck, there is a lot of truth to this joke. We men do tend to think with our penis, but we were not taught about how to listen to what he is saying.
Take my advice, the next time you have some issues in the bedroom, ask yourself what your penis is saying. The answer might surprise you and will help you improve your sex life.
Visit Justin’s website to learn more about his services or follow him on his professional Facebook page. If you have any questions that you would like Justin to answer or topics that you want him to write about email him at: [email protected] (Please note that the identity of those asking any questions will always be kept confidential).
We want to hear your opinion
“My first thought was — I’m dead.”
In 1985, Derek Canas underwent heart surgery to correct a congenital anomaly — he was three months old.
The surgery was a success, but 16 years later Derek was diagnosed with AIDS — he had acquired HIV as a result of a blood transfusion during the heart surgery.
Derek is now a DJ and a campaigner for HIV awareness. Derek shared his story with Mainly Male.
When you were first diagnosed, how much did you and your family know about HIV?
The only thing I knew at that time was a few memories of a Nick News episode years before. I was diagnosed in 2001. My first thought was — “I’m dead.”
Thankfully, I had a great doctor who told me that I would that I would be going to his funeral, that he wasn’t going to mine. I had an AIDS diagnosis and wasting syndrome — I was weeks away from death.
What sort of counselling and support was available to you when you first diagnosed?
Just at doctors’ appointments. I live in a small town, there were no support groups close by. Family and close friends became my support system.
Have you encountered any stigma or discrimination as a result of your status?
Yes — especially in the early days after diagnosis. It’s just part of living in a small town. The understanding of the virus is still stuck in the mindset of the early-90s. Sadly, that’s nationwide — public knowledge is really lacking in terms of HIV.
You speak publicly about HIV and educate people about the virus — do you ever feel like taking some time out? Do you ever feel like you don’t want to have to explain your status to people that you meet?
I don’t take time out for myself. My cardiologist hates that — I’m on my fifth pace-maker. I always welcome the opportunity to explain my HIV status. I wear it like a badge of honour. The virus nearly killed me, and I’ve fought back — I’m the one that’s kicking its ass now.
What advice or guidance would you give to someone who has been recently diagnosed with HIV?
The days after are rough — don’t be ashamed of the breakdown. You’ll feel better as your health gets better. It just takes time and patience.
Do you have any hints or tips for people on how to respond to HIV stigma or discrimination?
I use music to get me through. I’m a DJ, so I know how powerful music is on our minds and bodies. I always encourage people to find their music or movies — something that helps them laugh or get hyped-up.
Keep a calendar — put things on it, no matter how small — always look forward. Tomorrow can and will be better.
Everyone gets knocked down in life. It’s about how you stand back up.
Sharing the stories of our community
It’s not easy to talk about HIV, but talking about your experience can help to build your confidence and understanding of what HIV means for you. Your story can also help others who are processing their own experiences with HIV.
If you’d like to share your story with the readers of Mainly Male, please email [email protected]
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