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Stop Shaming Me for Not Being “Top or Bottom”

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It can be a hard-knock gay life for a man who prefers butts to be incidental to sex. Well, maybe not completely incidental: I love getting rimmed (and with the right guy and the right ass, rimming, too), but unfortunately, most of the gay men I meet are more interested in another kind of anal penetration.

Personally, I’m not a fan, and that’s dealt some crushing blows over the course of my sex life. Some guys are disappointed to get me under the covers and realize that I’d rather not go there. Then I’m disappointed because I pretty much know I’ll never hear from them again.

Occasionally, if passion persists and insists, I give in and slide in, but not with any regularity. I call myself a “top by default” because I top less for enjoyment than for a lack of alternatives. After bottoming during my second sexual experience with a man, at 22, I was in so much pain for such a long time that I swore I’d never do it again — and nearly 27 years later, I still haven’t.

“Just relax,” my second (whose name was Ken) kept saying that Friday night after we met at Tunnel Bar on the corner of Second Avenue and Seventh Street in New York City as I twisted and turned and tried to stifle my shrieks. He also said, “I can’t believe how tight you are,” as he stuffed himself inside of me (with a condom).

An acquired taste? Really?

Since then, I’ve been told by friends and strangers that it gets better over time and eventually starts to hurt so good. But I’ve now been having sex for enough years — decades — to know there are so many amazing things to do under the covers that aren’t acquired tastes. I’d rather just focus on them.

Is that a sex crime? Does that make me weird? Apparently, yes — to a lot of guys.

“So what do you do in bed then?” many ask, apparently suffering from temporary amnesia and forgetting all of the things other than penetration that one can do — that one should do — during great sex.

I’ve had many guys come and go before we even make it to the date stage because they can’t confirm that it will culminate in anal sex. Most bow out quietly, but some treat me like a freak for not wanting to do something they see as being conventional and perfunctory.

“Do you just hug then?”

“You must be positive.”

“Are you a lesbian?”

“Are you even gay?”

Then there are the ones who don’t ask beforehand because they assume that a gay black guy with muscles must be an aggressive top. For many of them, foreplay, if they bother with that at all, is merely an appetizer to rush through before skipping the main course and going straight to dessert.

I’ve seen disappointment wash over their faces when they find out I don’t eat that way. I’ve had guys who couldn’t get enough of me moments earlier suddenly lose interest. After years of awkward refusals and occasional concessions (sometimes reluctant, sometimes not, but never particularly enthusiastic), I decided to lay it out in my Grindr profile.

“Hey, I’m good. You?… Not into anal, so don’t bother with butt pics. I prefer to meet and let what happens happen without endless messages and pic exchanges. Great conversation is the best foreplay, and there’s nothing sexier than a good kisser.”

I’ve never received so many butt pics as I have since making that my profile message two weeks ago in Varna, Bulgaria.

I’m currently in Bucharest, Romania, and guys are still asking “Top or bottom?” and “Want to f — k me?” and “What are you looking for?” all the time — even those who claim they’ve read my profile. Maybe they think I’m lying. Maybe they think the can sway me to swing it their way. Maybe they think I’m just nuts.

When one 20-year-old who calls himself “Adorable guy” (judging from the pics he included in his first messages to me, the moniker is accurate) asked What are you looking for?, I answered with a question.

Me: That’s not clear from my profile?

Him: Well, not really :p


I know that you don’t like anal sex and you like a good kisser

But it could be: I like to meet for coffee or I like to meet for a blowjob lol

Me: I think a reasonable person who is NOT looking for quick sex would read it and see that I’m not either.

Lessons in lust

If my years of using Grindr have taught me anything, it’s that “What are you looking for?” is borderline-tantamount to “Top or bottom?” Most of the guys who approach me on Grindr are looking to get topped, and they don’t ask “What are you looking for?” to see if I’d be into a coffee date.

Guys who go with the flow during those early moments on Grindr also tend to go with the flow during sex. (More of them, please.) The ones who ask those cliché Grindr questions (“Top or bottom?”… “Looking for?”… “Hung?”… “Into?”) will almost invariably expect talking to lead to kissing to lead to sucking to lead to f — …, well, you get the idea.

I was impressed by the way “Adorable guy” commanded English (Romanians do very well with it, in general) and his perfect use of the colon, but I decided to move on. I’m wary of 20-year-olds to begin with, but this one definitely lacked the power of deductive reasoning, which isn’t much of a turn-on.

Last week in Bulgaria, another Grindr suitor, skipped the suitor-ing and went right to the shaming.

What are you looking for?

Who do you think you are?

So you don’t do anal?

Then what the fuck do you do?

Dumb ass.

I couldn’t believe that a complete stranger’s lack of interest in anal sex had offended him to the point that he delivered so many low blows. I didn’t bother to respond, because I knew the N-word probably would be next. So I just blocked him. But his message stayed with me.

Anal sex doesn’t equal gay sex

When did anal sex become an obligation, a prerequisite for gay cred? When did so many guys forget about all the other things that constitute sex? Contrary to popular belief, anal sex is not even synonymous with gay sex.

Some straight men and women enjoy anal penetration. Like pop divas, show tunes, and RuPaul’s Drag Race, it’s not something that exists solely for gay men. And as with pop divas, show tunes, and RuPaul’s Drag Race, they’re not obligatory loves for gay men. (Confession: I’ve never seen one second of RuPaul’s Drag Race, and I never ever intend to.)

I’ve gotten enough messages from guys who feel as I do to support my theory that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing in sex. And while my general distaste for anal sex might limit my circle of sexual prospects and prospective boyfriends, I’ve made great connections with guys in the nude. I’ve even enjoyed anal on occasion, but only when it’s part of a natural progression and not an expectation or demand.

There have been fleeting moments when I’ve thought about giving in to the pressure that I do receive and be the big black top that so many seem to automatically expect me to be. Maybe I also should learn how to bottom and love it. I rarely find myself body to body with a self-described “top” (my last one was a guy named Lucas in Sydney nearly two years ago who, after rimming me, echoed Ken from 27 years ago when he commented on how “tight” I was), but a capacity for bottoming could come in handy, too.

Lucas and I probably would be married now if, to borrow from ’70s rock & roll sex god Robert Plant (on Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love”), I had let him be my backdoor man.

I didn’t, but I am completely open to meeting a guy with whom I’m so in sync and so in love that I want to explore every aspect of sex with him. I might even learn to love and crave topping, and acquire a taste for bottoming, too.

But that will be by my choice. I’ll never be shamed into being anything other than who I am — and at this point, that’s not even a “top by default.” I’m a gay man, and if that’s not a good enough label, there are plenty of other products on the shelf.

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Everything You Need to Know About Penis Augmentation



Photo by Charles Deluvio via Unsplash
Photo by Charles Deluvio via Unsplash

Life happens only once, and imagine that you’re not satisfied with the size of your penis. In the past, you simply had to live with it, perhaps having difficulties getting someone into bed or always having self-esteem issues. However, times did change a lot, and nowadays you can give your penis the upgrade that it deserves. Penis enlargement methods have become extremely popular and very common, with an increase of 120% in the last couple of years. So, if you have any plans of enlarging your little fellow, there are things that you need to know, as this is not a small thing to do (pun intended).

The enlargement: then and now

Penis-enlargement methods, some of them safe while other unsafe, have flooded the market for quite some time now. You can choose from many options, such as pumps, surgical penis enlargements, and even pills. Be as it may, there is a difference to the times we’re living in now. If you opt for a surgery, you need to pay attention to certain things and it’s definitely not a piece of cake, but there are is also a safer way in which you can enlarge your penis.

Why do men opt for this step?

There’s a question that’s probably older than the Bible — does size matter? No matter what your opinion on this is, size is crucial to some men. Even though it might not enhance the performance as a lover or nothing of that sort, the boost of confidence and self-esteem plays a big role here. Now, is it worth it to get through the process of pumping, eating pills or even living the pain of the surgery just to get your penis bigger and boost your confidence? If that’s something that will make you happy, then you should definitely consider it.

However, a lot of men can opt for a non-surgical penis augmentation lately, which is great for increasing the penis girth, with many guys describing it as an “unqualified success”. Performed with the help of fillers, this somewhat new penis enlargement method promises minimal discomfort, clinically proven results, and quick recovery.

The procedure

This non-surgical penis enlargement method is definitely the safest and the least painful of them all.

Even though the idea of having fillers injected into your penis might sound extremely painful, that’s nothing that a bit of numbing cream cannot resolve, which basically means that you won’t be feeling a thing. Bear in mind that the idea behind this procedure is to increase the girth of the penis, but the added weight of the filler lengthens the penis in many cases, as well. As far as the fillers go, it’s very important that you do your homework beforehand and go to the best clinic possible. There are many injectable fillers out there that can lead to serious issues, so don’t try to save money on this procedure if you really want it. What’s also good to know is that there are fillers that are reversible, which means that it can be melted away. This piece of information is very valuable, as you always have the option of removing it if you’re not satisfied with it afterwards.

Target audience

Even though practically every man can enlarge his penis, some are simply better candidates than others. For example, people who have a “hidden penis” might be the most important candidates for the procedure (even though in many cases the patient has to go through liposuction first to remove the excessive fat around his penis). Another group of people are those who have their penis constrained (also known as “buried penis”), which means that not all of it hangs outside the body. This option might require a surgical procedure to release the ligament and thus make the penis hang more outside of the body. And finally, there are those people (perhaps even you) who are simply not satisfied with the length or girth of their penis. This case might be the easiest, and they are considered as the best candidates for this penis enlargement method.

Bear in mind that this is not a small thing to plan ahead. If you opt for one, make sure to choose the method that’s best for you, the least painful, and the safest. Once again — do not save money on this. If you’re sure that you want to make your penis longer, at least get the best service there is.

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