I am not a stereotypical gay/bi-guy by any means. I am both very anti-drug and anti-poppers. Especially during displays of my degree of gay, like anal sex. I take great pride in being against drug/substance use during sex for they help in defining myself as someone with true pride in their gayness. Regardless as to whether those drugs/substances are Molly, cocaine, meth, recreational weed, or even poppers, or booze.
For I enjoy gay sex with a clear mind. Be it a dick in my ass, or my dick in someone’s ass. With my brain able to take in and clearly remember every stroke, thrust, throb of a cock, twitch of an ass tunnel, and/or squeeze of a sphincter, be it pleasing or uncomfortable. Making me able to easily weed out who deserves another chance to play, and who to banish away.
With that strong position, a couple of months ago, I made a 20-minute video explaining further the root of my anti-popper stance.
However, I realize that I never told you the exact details as to what I am doing to practice what I preach. What has my late coming out, and being drug/substance-free before that and since taught me so that I can scoff at the thought of huffing on poppers to ease anal play. So I think it’s best that I tell you now.
L is for LUBE
Unlike the vagina, the anus and rectum are not self-lubricating. So lube is a must. Since water-based lubes are easily absorbed into the body, a silicone-based lube is the best option for anal play. However, many are concerned about their sheets and other materials around becoming stained by silicone lubes during their anal play session. If such is the case, you can choose a water-based lube. Just make sure it is thick enough to give a cushion, and that thickness has some longevity. You might also want to consider a hybrid lube, which is a combination of water-based and silicone lube. With the silicone being what gives such a lube its longevity, and the water-based part being what makes it less staining.
D is for DESIRE
There are two things you need to desire to aid in your having substance-free anal sex. And if these two things are not in play, there is no amount of lube that is going to make anal sex any easier.
One thing to desire is to desire having anal sex. And the desire has to be you wanting anal sex. Not you wanting to please someone who wants anal sex. Thereby making the next desire be to desire the person you’re having anal sex with. If you’ve had anal sex enough times before, you can go right to the R of this list. But I you’re new to anal sex or just encountered a new sex partner, then you need to acknowledge the T and why it’s in parenthesis.
(T) is for (TRUST)
For reasons I stated in “A Sexually Geeky’s Why I ♥ Sex”, if you’re new to anal play or having anal play with a new partner, TRUST IS A MUST. You have to trust your partner. Primarily trust that your sex partner will be patient with you as you grow in patience with yourself. In the case of those who are not new to anal sex, but are having it with a new partner, you need that trust even more so. For the newness of your sex partner can cause anxiety that might make even a pro bottom clench their bottom. Any lack of that trust in yourself and/or your partner will lead to a grab for the poppers, or any other substance one uses to relax their sphincter. The problem is many of such substances are illegal and harmful, instantly and over time. Plus, with such substances in your system, you’ll lie to yourself. Never truly mentally or emotionally getting to the next step, which is…
R is for RELAX
The closer you come to wanting anal sex so bad that your hole is twitching because it wants to grab your partner’s penis or desired sex toy, the more you can become relaxed. For now, your body is on a mission to let that person or toy inside to give you sexual satisfaction. If you are not new to anal sex, then this should happen right after desire. However, if you’re an anal sex novice, then that relaxation will come, not immediately after desire, but after trust in yourself, then your partner.
B is for BREATHE
While you are finally being entered, as a reward to yourself for successfully following through all the aforementioned steps, take a deep breath as your sigh of relief. Relieved that sexual satisfaction is coming from that penis or sex toy inside you.
The reason I also suggest taking that breath while being entered is because it actually helps create suction to the penis or toy going inside you. This seemingly tedious task for you is in reality the start of the great sensations you will give your male-bodied partner. Sensations that will only intensify as he thrusts inside you, or you ride on him.
Why? Because with that deep breath following all the aforementioned steps, you are now properly prepared for substance-free anal sex.
I am well aware that my position is not the most touted in popular gay circles. Nor with sex shops trying to make money off of the too common substance abuse habits gay males pass on to straight friends expressing interest in anal sex. Well, I have no interest in complying to either. For following the lead of those gay circles and such sex shops makes us less than what we should be during sex. You see, because of the misinformation, jaded past, and corporate greed that drive them, they refuse to tell you this fact…
Your sex partner should be your high and if needed, anal sex facilitator.
In fact, your sex partner should be your only needed and requested high. Plus, reliance upon substances for anal sex that are any degree harmful further justifies the argument of homophobes and the sexually narrow-minded that anal sex is dangerous, therefore unnatural.
So isn’t it time we start exhibiting and praising sexual behavior with anal sex that proves them wrong? I think so.
Read our interview with LeNair Xavier
LeNair Xavier originally gained notoriety as adult entertainer, Tré Xavier. Now, he’s undoing the misinformation of gay porn through his work as a performer, poet, artist, erotic model, and blogger.
As he was approaching his 47th birthday, I caught up with LeNair to talk about getting older in a gay man’s world.
You’ve written about the ageism that you’ve experienced, what form does ageism take
Ageism takes many forms, and it’s not just older gays feeling it. One form is being dismissed because of your age. Another is expecting the older person to take on the financial burden of an outing, while the younger person gets a free ride. It also comes in the form of negative sexual expectations because of porn-induced fetishes. Like the sexpectations of twinks and daddies.
Do you think the sexualisation of older guys as ‘Daddy’ is helpful in this context?
It’s not at all helpful. I feel it actually fuels younger people sexualizing their daddy issues, instead of dealing with them.
Then again, I’m sure that some people think that my videos addressing ageism sexualize the matter. So let me address that — Is my nudity in those videos sexually arousing? For some, yes. But is what I’m doing with that nudity sexual? No. Unlike gay porn and nightlife, which both use sex to cover up the emotional scars from those daddy issues, I use that possible sexual titillation to address the issue of ageism head on. Not run from it.
Is ageism something that you’ve only experienced online or on apps, or is it something that you encounter in person also?
I don’t really do apps. When I did, if I got hit with ageism and knew it, it was because a young person referred to me as Daddy. Most of my encounters with ageism have been online via email from porn studios and gay nightlife events and model call ads. In the Age of The Internet and the cowardice it incites, those rejections and responses to charges of that ageism seldom, if ever, come in person.
With that said, the only in-person displays of ageism I’ve experienced are a product of the gay nightlife. For example, when younger gays feel entitled to ask me to pay for their drinks, even when the younger person approached an older person for a conversation.
When you were younger, what was your perception of older guys?
I came out to myself just seven weeks shy of turning 31 years old, so I was already ‘older’ by gay standards. But my perception then of guys the age I am now and beyond was that they were predatory in their behaviour. In fact, the night I came out to myself, I walked into a gay bar, and while my sexuality felt it finally found its home for the most part, I also felt like a walking dead carcass and the guys who were 40-plus in age had eyes that were like vultures circling in on me.
Not much has changed. I still see many older gays as predatory, but so are younger gays, just with a different intent. I’ve come to know more about what sparks this predatory behaviour in both age groups. Hence why I try to inspire more substance abuse-free living in the young and old. So younger gays can say to themselves — ‘I want to look that good when I’m older. Let me try his regimen.’ Meanwhile, older gays who are well-maintained can see they’re not alone, while other older gays who have done damage to themselves might see where they went wrong and try undoing the damage if it’s possible.
Why do you think that older gay men start to feel invisible within the gay community?
Unfortunately, it’s because the most influential areas of the gay community are also the most fuelled by drugs, alcohol, and substance abuse. With that being the case, partaking in that abuse isn’t good for their body, mind, or spirit. Like any other industry, when older guys are perceived as no longer desirable to gawk at, they become replaced by someone younger.
What advice would give to guys who are getting a bit older and starting to feel a bit insecure about their age, their body, or their looks?
My advice is to take pride in your age. There’s a high suicide rate among LGBTQ people from their teen years on up because they can’t handle living a lie. So take pride in how you have made it this far by living your truth.
For your bodies, some of those changes will come with age. My body is different to what it was back in 2005 when I first did porn, but I still feel as healthy. So my advice is that when you feel that you’re no longer looking or feeling fit, change your eating or drinking or substance habits.
With your looks, embrace the grey hairs. If you’re not living a drug and alcohol-fuelled life, embrace the lines on your face and body. They’re your battle scars from surviving the war we sometimes have to face in simply being ourselves.
Do you think that ageism is a new thing for the gay community? Hasn’t it always been youth that’s been celebrated and desired?
Like many of the other ‘isms’ — colourism, racism, sexism — practised by a large proportion of the gay community, ageism is nothing new. However, also like those other ‘isms’ it’s long overdue at being addressed loudly. So that we can look at ourselves, see the error of our ways, and at long last correct it.
Why do you think that older gay men should be valued more by other gay men?
As long as the older gay men are living a substance abuse-free life, we have plenty of life experiences and knowledge to offer with a clear mind. Knowledge that can better help those who are either not totally out yet, or just realising they’re bisexual. Valuing and praising older gay males’ knowledge on such matters can ease that coming-out process, as well as strengthen the young against future adversity.
How do you think that the gay media can help older gay guys feel more confident and connected to the wider gay community?
Use the older gays in more influential roles just like they do younger gays. Have them as panellists with younger gays, instead of it being either all younger gays, or all older gays. Show older gays who have taken care of their bodies as their model-of-the-day. Simply include older gays more in what makes us a community.
Without older gays, the progress the LGBTQ community has made would never have come this far because it would have never gotten started. So a good deal of well-publicised inclusion in discussions and visuals is long overdue.
Is there any advice that you wish that you could give your younger self?
With my coming-out so late, I often ask myself that question. I always tell myself that I should have risked all that I did with my coming out in my 20s, instead of my 30s. Then I ask myself — ‘But would you be living the active, vocal, substance-free, therefore sexy life you are living now?’
When I realise that the answer is ‘probably not’ I tell myself to have a seat, keep driving forward, and don’t look back unless your drive forward has you possibly repeating a past mistake. Otherwise, keep driving forward.
We want to hear your opinion
“My first thought was — I’m dead.”
In 1985, Derek Canas underwent heart surgery to correct a congenital anomaly — he was three months old.
The surgery was a success, but 16 years later Derek was diagnosed with AIDS — he had acquired HIV as a result of a blood transfusion during the heart surgery.
Derek is now a DJ and a campaigner for HIV awareness. Derek shared his story with Mainly Male.
When you were first diagnosed, how much did you and your family know about HIV?
The only thing I knew at that time was a few memories of a Nick News episode years before. I was diagnosed in 2001. My first thought was — “I’m dead.”
Thankfully, I had a great doctor who told me that I would that I would be going to his funeral, that he wasn’t going to mine. I had an AIDS diagnosis and wasting syndrome — I was weeks away from death.
What sort of counselling and support was available to you when you first diagnosed?
Just at doctors’ appointments. I live in a small town, there were no support groups close by. Family and close friends became my support system.
Have you encountered any stigma or discrimination as a result of your status?
Yes — especially in the early days after diagnosis. It’s just part of living in a small town. The understanding of the virus is still stuck in the mindset of the early-90s. Sadly, that’s nationwide — public knowledge is really lacking in terms of HIV.
You speak publicly about HIV and educate people about the virus — do you ever feel like taking some time out? Do you ever feel like you don’t want to have to explain your status to people that you meet?
I don’t take time out for myself. My cardiologist hates that — I’m on my fifth pace-maker. I always welcome the opportunity to explain my HIV status. I wear it like a badge of honour. The virus nearly killed me, and I’ve fought back — I’m the one that’s kicking its ass now.
What advice or guidance would you give to someone who has been recently diagnosed with HIV?
The days after are rough — don’t be ashamed of the breakdown. You’ll feel better as your health gets better. It just takes time and patience.
Do you have any hints or tips for people on how to respond to HIV stigma or discrimination?
I use music to get me through. I’m a DJ, so I know how powerful music is on our minds and bodies. I always encourage people to find their music or movies — something that helps them laugh or get hyped-up.
Keep a calendar — put things on it, no matter how small — always look forward. Tomorrow can and will be better.
Everyone gets knocked down in life. It’s about how you stand back up.
Sharing the stories of our community
It’s not easy to talk about HIV, but talking about your experience can help to build your confidence and understanding of what HIV means for you. Your story can also help others who are processing their own experiences with HIV.
If you’d like to share your story with the readers of Mainly Male, please email [email protected]
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