I am not a stereotypical gay/bi-guy by any means. I am both very anti-drug and anti-poppers. Especially during displays of my degree of gay, like anal sex. I take great pride in being against drug/substance use during sex for they help in defining myself as someone with true pride in their gayness. Regardless as to whether those drugs/substances are Molly, cocaine, meth, recreational weed, or even poppers, or booze.
For I enjoy gay sex with a clear mind. Be it a dick in my ass, or my dick in someone’s ass. With my brain able to take in and clearly remember every stroke, thrust, throb of a cock, twitch of an ass tunnel, and/or squeeze of a sphincter, be it pleasing or uncomfortable. Making me able to easily weed out who deserves another chance to play, and who to banish away.
With that strong position, a couple of months ago, I made a 20-minute video explaining further the root of my anti-popper stance.
However, I realize that I never told you the exact details as to what I am doing to practice what I preach. What has my late coming out, and being drug/substance-free before that and since taught me so that I can scoff at the thought of huffing on poppers to ease anal play. So I think it’s best that I tell you now.
L is for LUBE
Unlike the vagina, the anus and rectum are not self-lubricating. So lube is a must. Since water-based lubes are easily absorbed into the body, a silicone-based lube is the best option for anal play. However, many are concerned about their sheets and other materials around becoming stained by silicone lubes during their anal play session. If such is the case, you can choose a water-based lube. Just make sure it is thick enough to give a cushion, and that thickness has some longevity. You might also want to consider a hybrid lube, which is a combination of water-based and silicone lube. With the silicone being what gives such a lube its longevity, and the water-based part being what makes it less staining.
D is for DESIRE
There are two things you need to desire to aid in your having substance-free anal sex. And if these two things are not in play, there is no amount of lube that is going to make anal sex any easier.
One thing to desire is to desire having anal sex. And the desire has to be you wanting anal sex. Not you wanting to please someone who wants anal sex. Thereby making the next desire be to desire the person you’re having anal sex with. If you’ve had anal sex enough times before, you can go right to the R of this list. But I you’re new to anal sex or just encountered a new sex partner, then you need to acknowledge the T and why it’s in parenthesis.
(T) is for (TRUST)
For reasons I stated in “A Sexually Geeky’s Why I ♥ Sex”, if you’re new to anal play or having anal play with a new partner, TRUST IS A MUST. You have to trust your partner. Primarily trust that your sex partner will be patient with you as you grow in patience with yourself. In the case of those who are not new to anal sex, but are having it with a new partner, you need that trust even more so. For the newness of your sex partner can cause anxiety that might make even a pro bottom clench their bottom. Any lack of that trust in yourself and/or your partner will lead to a grab for the poppers, or any other substance one uses to relax their sphincter. The problem is many of such substances are illegal and harmful, instantly and over time. Plus, with such substances in your system, you’ll lie to yourself. Never truly mentally or emotionally getting to the next step, which is…
R is for RELAX
The closer you come to wanting anal sex so bad that your hole is twitching because it wants to grab your partner’s penis or desired sex toy, the more you can become relaxed. For now, your body is on a mission to let that person or toy inside to give you sexual satisfaction. If you are not new to anal sex, then this should happen right after desire. However, if you’re an anal sex novice, then that relaxation will come, not immediately after desire, but after trust in yourself, then your partner.
B is for BREATHE
While you are finally being entered, as a reward to yourself for successfully following through all the aforementioned steps, take a deep breath as your sigh of relief. Relieved that sexual satisfaction is coming from that penis or sex toy inside you.
The reason I also suggest taking that breath while being entered is because it actually helps create suction to the penis or toy going inside you. This seemingly tedious task for you is in reality the start of the great sensations you will give your male-bodied partner. Sensations that will only intensify as he thrusts inside you, or you ride on him.
Why? Because with that deep breath following all the aforementioned steps, you are now properly prepared for substance-free anal sex.
I am well aware that my position is not the most touted in popular gay circles. Nor with sex shops trying to make money off of the too common substance abuse habits gay males pass on to straight friends expressing interest in anal sex. Well, I have no interest in complying to either. For following the lead of those gay circles and such sex shops makes us less than what we should be during sex. You see, because of the misinformation, jaded past, and corporate greed that drive them, they refuse to tell you this fact…
Your sex partner should be your high and if needed, anal sex facilitator.
In fact, your sex partner should be your only needed and requested high. Plus, reliance upon substances for anal sex that are any degree harmful further justifies the argument of homophobes and the sexually narrow-minded that anal sex is dangerous, therefore unnatural.
So isn’t it time we start exhibiting and praising sexual behavior with anal sex that proves them wrong? I think so.
Read our interview with LeNair Xavier
LeNair Xavier originally gained notoriety as adult entertainer, Tré Xavier. Now, he’s undoing the misinformation of gay porn through his work as a performer, poet, artist, erotic model, and blogger.
As he was approaching his 47th birthday, I caught up with LeNair to talk about getting older in a gay man’s world.
You’ve written about the ageism that you’ve experienced, what form does ageism take
Ageism takes many forms, and it’s not just older gays feeling it. One form is being dismissed because of your age. Another is expecting the older person to take on the financial burden of an outing, while the younger person gets a free ride. It also comes in the form of negative sexual expectations because of porn-induced fetishes. Like the sexpectations of twinks and daddies.
Do you think the sexualisation of older guys as ‘Daddy’ is helpful in this context?
It’s not at all helpful. I feel it actually fuels younger people sexualizing their daddy issues, instead of dealing with them.
Then again, I’m sure that some people think that my videos addressing ageism sexualize the matter. So let me address that — Is my nudity in those videos sexually arousing? For some, yes. But is what I’m doing with that nudity sexual? No. Unlike gay porn and nightlife, which both use sex to cover up the emotional scars from those daddy issues, I use that possible sexual titillation to address the issue of ageism head on. Not run from it.
Is ageism something that you’ve only experienced online or on apps, or is it something that you encounter in person also?
I don’t really do apps. When I did, if I got hit with ageism and knew it, it was because a young person referred to me as Daddy. Most of my encounters with ageism have been online via email from porn studios and gay nightlife events and model call ads. In the Age of The Internet and the cowardice it incites, those rejections and responses to charges of that ageism seldom, if ever, come in person.
With that said, the only in-person displays of ageism I’ve experienced are a product of the gay nightlife. For example, when younger gays feel entitled to ask me to pay for their drinks, even when the younger person approached an older person for a conversation.
When you were younger, what was your perception of older guys?
I came out to myself just seven weeks shy of turning 31 years old, so I was already ‘older’ by gay standards. But my perception then of guys the age I am now and beyond was that they were predatory in their behaviour. In fact, the night I came out to myself, I walked into a gay bar, and while my sexuality felt it finally found its home for the most part, I also felt like a walking dead carcass and the guys who were 40-plus in age had eyes that were like vultures circling in on me.
Not much has changed. I still see many older gays as predatory, but so are younger gays, just with a different intent. I’ve come to know more about what sparks this predatory behaviour in both age groups. Hence why I try to inspire more substance abuse-free living in the young and old. So younger gays can say to themselves — ‘I want to look that good when I’m older. Let me try his regimen.’ Meanwhile, older gays who are well-maintained can see they’re not alone, while other older gays who have done damage to themselves might see where they went wrong and try undoing the damage if it’s possible.
Why do you think that older gay men start to feel invisible within the gay community?
Unfortunately, it’s because the most influential areas of the gay community are also the most fuelled by drugs, alcohol, and substance abuse. With that being the case, partaking in that abuse isn’t good for their body, mind, or spirit. Like any other industry, when older guys are perceived as no longer desirable to gawk at, they become replaced by someone younger.
What advice would give to guys who are getting a bit older and starting to feel a bit insecure about their age, their body, or their looks?
My advice is to take pride in your age. There’s a high suicide rate among LGBTQ people from their teen years on up because they can’t handle living a lie. So take pride in how you have made it this far by living your truth.
For your bodies, some of those changes will come with age. My body is different to what it was back in 2005 when I first did porn, but I still feel as healthy. So my advice is that when you feel that you’re no longer looking or feeling fit, change your eating or drinking or substance habits.
With your looks, embrace the grey hairs. If you’re not living a drug and alcohol-fuelled life, embrace the lines on your face and body. They’re your battle scars from surviving the war we sometimes have to face in simply being ourselves.
Do you think that ageism is a new thing for the gay community? Hasn’t it always been youth that’s been celebrated and desired?
Like many of the other ‘isms’ — colourism, racism, sexism — practised by a large proportion of the gay community, ageism is nothing new. However, also like those other ‘isms’ it’s long overdue at being addressed loudly. So that we can look at ourselves, see the error of our ways, and at long last correct it.
Why do you think that older gay men should be valued more by other gay men?
As long as the older gay men are living a substance abuse-free life, we have plenty of life experiences and knowledge to offer with a clear mind. Knowledge that can better help those who are either not totally out yet, or just realising they’re bisexual. Valuing and praising older gay males’ knowledge on such matters can ease that coming-out process, as well as strengthen the young against future adversity.
How do you think that the gay media can help older gay guys feel more confident and connected to the wider gay community?
Use the older gays in more influential roles just like they do younger gays. Have them as panellists with younger gays, instead of it being either all younger gays, or all older gays. Show older gays who have taken care of their bodies as their model-of-the-day. Simply include older gays more in what makes us a community.
Without older gays, the progress the LGBTQ community has made would never have come this far because it would have never gotten started. So a good deal of well-publicised inclusion in discussions and visuals is long overdue.
Is there any advice that you wish that you could give your younger self?
With my coming-out so late, I often ask myself that question. I always tell myself that I should have risked all that I did with my coming out in my 20s, instead of my 30s. Then I ask myself — ‘But would you be living the active, vocal, substance-free, therefore sexy life you are living now?’
When I realise that the answer is ‘probably not’ I tell myself to have a seat, keep driving forward, and don’t look back unless your drive forward has you possibly repeating a past mistake. Otherwise, keep driving forward.
We want to hear your opinion
Photography that embraces naked men
“Stop comparing ourselves to strangers on the internet…”
I caught up with photographer Anthony Patrick Manieri to talk about his ongoing series of work known as Arrested Movement.
Why do you think this project has captured the imagination of gay men around the world?
Because we’re all the same really, except we don’t all look alike. We usually just see what society deems to be the ‘perfect’ body types, flashed across TV and social media all the time.
This project encompasses a wide variety of men that are photographed equally and beautifully. I feel that the variety of men and body shapes being highlighted are recognisable to most men. We need to see diversity represented more in the media. That, and also the idea of male body positivity is refreshing in a world where the media seems to only push female body positivity. In this day and age, where depression and anxiety are extremely commonplace, it’s nice to know that we’re not alone in the struggle.
Why are men so keen to be photographed by you for this project?
Because we all want to fit in. We all want to be accepted, and here is a photographic series celebrating all men, all body types, and showcasing them artistically. I think men look at this and can relate and identify with some of the participating models, because they see themselves in the photos.
Most of the men you’ve photographed for this project appear to be first-time models, most likely being professionally photographed naked for the first time. Was that experience confronting for many of your models?
From what I’ve seen, and from what some of my assistants mentioned to me, for most of the men that participate there’s a definite shift in their overall energy levels from when they first arrive at the studio to when they’re done. One assistant asked me — “What is going on in the studio? Because when they arrive they’re quite scared, some even shake with nerves, but when they leave they glow and have this sense of empowerment.”
I make sure that the studio is private and a safe space for them to try and feel as comfortable as possible. I brief them, and coach them with suggestions of possible body movement. I also stop periodically to show the gentlemen their progression so far in the shoot.
Most men, after seeing themselves on the screen during the shoot, are delightfully impressed by how they look. They look at themselves in a positive light artistically, and not what they usually expect to see. I talk to them about how their hands are positioned, their facial expressions, pointing of their feet, and the overall lines of their bodies in the frame.
When you’re not quite happy with your body, putting yourself out there is brave. I watch some men almost lose themselves in the moment and in the music. I’m grateful that I get to witness such a personal moment of self-evolution. For others, they’re determined to take an amazing photo, so they push themselves so that their final image is strong and unique.
Should everyone tackle a naked photo shoot at some point in their lives?
I don’t know if that’s the answer. What people should do is take time to appreciate and accept themselves, to put themselves first. Fill their own cups before extinguishing their energy with others. Uniqueness is special. It’s okay to look different on the outside, because we’re all the same on the inside.
How is the project continuing to evolve?
I’m currently working on the design of the book — I’ll be releasing a Kickstarter page this Fall. I’m also looking at gallery spaces to have the first of many shows.
Are you still actively shooting guys for this project?
I’m still actively photographing men. If it were up to me, I’d be in a different city every weekend photographing.
Since I’m funding this myself, I need to take breaks between cities. Travelling, studio costs, and hotels add up quickly. There are a few cities in the US, Canada, and Mexico that I’d like to do before heading back to Europe. Beyond that, there’s talk of Australia, and possibly some cities in South America for 2019.
How can we help each other feel better about our bodies?
I think we really need to be kind to ourselves, and each other — daily. Judgement and self-judgement is such a human flaw, it’s like a vibrational plague. We should be detaching ourselves from our smart-phones and social media regularly. Yoga and meditation are great ways to feel centred and grounded, to be in tune with our higher self. Eating right always makes for a happier body and mind. We need to encourage and validate each other to be the best we can be.
What do the images that you’ve captured through this project tell us about gay men and their relationship with their bodies?
Gay culture is meant to be inclusive, and we celebrate that inclusiveness. Though within the gay community, there’s such a divide between men. We’re labelled and put in categories, therefore creating almost a hierarchy of what’s acceptable.
Body-image and self-esteem start in your own mind, not on Instagram. We need to literally stop comparing ourselves to strangers on the internet. We need to make mental health a priority in the gay community.
I hope that when people see this project, they know their worth, they know that they’re beautiful, and that it’s okay to be different.
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