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How do you masturbate?

Rowan Hunter (image supplied)

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I caught up with my Twitter buddy Rowan Hunter and asked him a few personal questions.

Can you remember the first time you jacked-off?

I think the first time that I jacked off was when I was 10 or 11. I was rubbing my dick in bed — it felt really good, so I kept doing it. All of a sudden, it felt like I had to pee really bad. I pinched the head of my dick and ran to the bathroom, then released after I made sure I was aiming in the toilet. Imagine my surprise when I realised it was cum instead of urine.

How did you feel when you first jacked off?

I felt really relieved, and suddenly knew what it meant to feel horny. That was the start of a wonderful relationship between my hand and my dick.

Did you talk about it with anyone?

I talked about it with a couple of my friends at school. That’s how I found out what exactly it was. I had an idea, but I wasn’t positive. I needed advice.

Did you try any different techniques in those early years?

I tried putting my dick between the mattress and box spring, and humping to get that friction. I’d fuck my pillow at times, or I’d just fuck my hand — changing the grip to see what felt the best. I didn’t use lube until much later — I typically just jacked off dry.

How has your jack-off style evolved over the years?

My jack-off style has slightly changed throughout the years. I still usually jack off dry, but sometimes I’ll use some spit. I don’t usually like using lube, mainly because the only lube I ever seem to have is silicone-based, and I hate having my hands and dick sticky afterwards.

What’s your preferred way to jack-off currently?

I’m definitely a creature of habit. I prefer to be laying down when I jack-off, mainly because that’s easiest for me. It might be a mental thing, but still. When I’m really horny, though, I do like to finger myself when I jack-off, to give me that extra boost of pleasure.

What jack-off hints or tips would you give a young guy just starting to explore his sexuality?

Just try different things until you find what feels the best. It’s definitely different for everybody.

Follow Rowan Hunter on Twitter

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Life

Wednesday Wisdom: Heteronormativity

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Photo by Ilya Pavlov on Unsplash
Photo by Ilya Pavlov on Unsplash

I find it hard to shake my perception that dating is ultimately about finding ‘the one’ — that you may have to kiss a lot of frogs in the process, but ultimately you’re hoping to find someone that you really connect with, that you have amazing sex with, that you want to move in together and do domestic things with, that you want to introduce to your family, that you want to go on vacation with, that you want to grow old with and live happily ever after.

That’s pretty much what I’ve seen in my family, that’s what I’ve seen in movies. For some gay couples that I know, that’s exactly how it works.

It’s not difficult to understand that from all of our cultural and environmental influences, we’re being conditioned to aspire to a ‘good’ relationship that roughly fits that Hollywood ideal. This is heteronormativity in action.

One of the foundations of much of queer theory, ‘heteronormative’ is a term first coined by academic Michael Warner in 1991. Heteronormativity is the belief that the binary genders of male and female are required for people to perform the natural roles in life — assuming that heterosexuality is the default and preferable sexual orientation.

I’m not making any moral judgements about anyone’s relationship. If it works for you, then that’s great. If you want to settle down with a husband and live happily ever after, then all power to you — that’s what equality is all about.

But it is helpful to occasionally challenge ourselves by asking if our thoughts or actions are being influenced in some way by the heteronormativity that we’re all exposed to every day.

Here’s an example. A friend of mine has been with his boyfriend for years. They live together, they bought a flat together, they decided to get married. They’ve always had an open relationship — that’s worked for them. The weekend before the wedding, he was in the toilets of XXL — a club in London — getting worked over by two muscle-bears.

My instinctive reaction was — “That’s not right…” It’s the heteronormativity talking. In my head, marriage is about monogamy, and that if you were continuing to enjoy an active and open sex life then maybe marriage is not for you. But clearly I’m applying made-up rules to situations that don’t fit the heternomative model.

Obviously, an open relationship isn’t incompatible with marriage. Neither is a monogamous relationship. But this is an illustration of the complexity that we’re all navigating as marriage equality offers additional options for how we define our relationships.

It’s too easy to apply a Hollywood-happily-ever filter to our view of a marriage between two guys. But gay guys are different, we’ve been told that all of our lives, and in that difference there’s power — just because we can get married doesn’t mean that our marriages have to look like anyone else’s, the only rules that need to apply are the ones that make sense to us.

It’s important that we don’t perpetuate the perception that ‘good gays get married’ or that marriage is only meaningful if it looks like something out of a mid-career Sandra Bullock movie.

It’s not easy to find someone that you want to spend time with, to make compromises for, and perhaps it would be a lot easier if there was a black and white set of rules that all relationships had to follow. But whatever your sexuality, relationships are messy and complicated things that really only ever make sense to the people that are in them.

Embrace love, forget heteronormativity.

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