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Are you embracing your Daddy Issues?

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What draws a lot of gay men to explore a Daddy/Son role play in their relationships? We sat down with sexologist Justin David Duwe to get to the bottom of it.

Why is the Daddy/Son dynamic something that a lot of gay men are interested in exploring?<

I think that this is an inevitable experience for anyone who feels sexual, regardless of their sexuality. We all grow older and just because the body ages doesn’t mean that we stop desiring healthy bodies — this is programmed into our DNA. Humans are attracted to healthy bodies because they’re the ones that have the best chance of reproducing the species — younger bodies tend to be healthier than older ones, and thus the attraction to younger men for older men.
On the other hand, some younger men tend to look at older men as a replacement father figure, or see them as having a characteristic that they don’t possess — by having sex with them they can also have this without having to put in the work to get it themselves. The latter is a purely subconscious process, it doesn’t always mean that it’s unhealthy or abnormal.

If I’m a younger guy, who finds older guys attractive, what might be some of the characteristics that are fuelling my attraction?

Subconscious inadequacies, conflicts about one’s body, perceived deficits in one’s own masculinity, and unresolved father issues are some of the subconscious issues that fuel this attraction. I often explore these issues in session with my clients, and help them to resolve these issues when they become trapped in unhealthy relationship patterns.
Experiencing an attraction to an older man doesn’t always mean that there’s a problem, but if there’s an impossibility in terms of the maintenance of the relationship, or if the relationship doesn’t have a chance at pushing you to be your best self, the relationship is unhealthy and you’re probably enabling an unhealthy relationship dynamic or pattern.

If I’m an older guy, who finds younger guys attractive, what might be some of the characteristics that are fuelling my attraction?

Men who are attracted to younger men often have issues with their level of maturity — they often also feel conflicted about responsibility, or their own death. These type of men are usually not very reliable, and have a lot of issues around intimacy. They pursue men younger than them because they get to feel young, feel as if they are still attractive and can maintain an illusion that they’re not getting older or are going to never die.

Young bodies are usually more attractive than older ones, although there are clearly exceptions to this. There are also relationships between younger and older men that are healthy. However, when men are attracted and try and have relationships with men significantly younger then them, I’m very sceptical about the feasibility of this pursuit and concerned about their level of maturity normally. In sessions, I look at their attractions towards partners that are unsuitable and help them to overcome their issues around partners around their own age, or who wouldn’t abandon them when they become sick as they get older.

How does the Daddy/Son dynamic of a relationship translate to sex — is the Daddy always the top and the Son always the bottom?

No — it depends on the relationship and who is involved.
One fantasy that seems fairly common, is when a gay couple — who might be in their mid-40s or older, decide to bring a younger boy into their relationship to spice things up a bit. Why might that scenario be appealing to the couple?

Because they’re probably very bored with one another and are hoping that bringing in a distraction will fix their issues with desire and sexual functioning.

Most gay men have tremendous difficulty with conflict resolution, or the creation of emotional connections — which we generally refer to as intimacy. There are many factors that fuel this, but largely it’s because there’s a lot of unresolved issues around trauma that most gay men have experienced, and they bring that into their relationships and as a result have issues maintaining sexual desire.

Community standards encourage distraction and distance in gay relationships — this is why they tend to break down or be very unstable. I work with men daily to help them overcome the effects of the traumas that they’ve experienced, and help couples experience a mature sexual connection that’s more fulfilling.

Why might that scenario — of a mature couple bringing a younger guy into their relationship — be appealing to the boy?

He may feel special, or feel as if the arrangement may offer him the opportunity for financial gain or social status. He may think that it’s possible that one of the couple will have a relationship with him. It may be just plain sexual attraction and nothing more.

What advice or guidance would you give to someone who was interested in exploring a Daddy/Son fantasy?

Be smart, make good choices, and if it gets difficult seek out professional help. Life is short, don’t waste your time on losers. I have a saying that I share with my clients almost daily — ‘Fixer uppers are only for property, not for people!’

“I’ve always been attracted to older guys. They’re more mature — in and out of bed. The biggest age-gap relationship I’ve had was 22 years — he was 22 years older than me.” — Steve, Boston

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“When I first moved to San Francisco, in my early 20s, I needed someone to show me the ropes. I got involved with two leather daddies — big mistake, that wasn’t for me — I wasn’t into obeying rules. I eventually found an older guy who showed me the ropes and I didn’t have cater to his ego.” — David, San Jose

“We met on Gaydar. I’d specified the age group range of 28 to 35. For me, it was about having sex with a ‘man’ — muscle, chest hair — at that time I’d never found boys my age attractive. He messaged me and had said on his profile that he was 38. We met and really got on. We ended up seeing each other every day for a week, then he told me he was actually 44 — by that time it didn’t really matter as the sexual attraction was there, and he looked a lot younger than he was. I wasn’t really conscious of the age difference at all, I wasn’t really thinking about having a long-term relationship, it just happened.” — Darren, Barcelona

“I’m generally more attracted to guys who are the same age or older than me, rather than guys who are younger. The oldest guy I ever dated was in his early 50s when I was 33, but everyone else has been within around 5–10 years of my own age.” — Stuart, London

“My husband is 16 years younger than I am — he keeps my perspective on life fresh, and he doesn’t use age as an excuse not to try something new.” — David, San Jose

“I’ve always found older men attractive. Before my husband, when I was in my early-20s I dated men who were in their mid-30s, I found that age group to be my sexual ideal of a masculine man.“— Darren, Barcelona

“My husband’s father was emotionally absent, so I try and provide that emotional support that he didn’t get and always make him feel loved.” — David, San Jose

“We’ve been together for sixteen years and married for six years. I was 23 when we first met, and he was 44 …”— Darren, Barcelona

“I started dating younger guys when I turned 35 — I started to grasp my own mortality.” — David, San Jose

“I think my husband likes younger guys because at the time he grew up, it wasn’t really possible to have a relationship with another guy. Knowing he was gay from a young age, he never felt like he got to explore that side sexually — so his sexual age range in guys didn’t mature at the same rate he did.” — Darren, Barcelona

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“Do you think tan-lines are sexy?”

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Photo by Marvin Meyer on Unsplash
Photo by Marvin Meyer on Unsplash

Part 7
It was a sunny, summer’s day in Newquay and Shane and Jason were sunbathing on the beach after spending the morning surfing. Shane and Jason had coordinated their shifts at the supermarket so that they could have the day off together. It was a Thursday, so they pretty much had the beach to themselves, and they’d found a secluded spot behind the sand dunes that was sheltered from the light breeze that was blowing.

“I wish we could do this every day…” sighed Shane.

“I know, right?” agreed Jason. “Surfing and sunbathing — why can’t someone pay us to do that?”

“Do you think tan lines are sexy?” asked Shane, lifting up the leg of his swim-briefs a little to check whether he had much of a tan.

“Definitely…” nodded Jason. “I love it when a guy is really tanned but then has a white ass with a really defined line where his swim-briefs have been.”

“Yeah… totally, that’s fucking hot…” agreed Shane. “But an all-over tan can be pretty sexy too — like Brazilian guys, they always seemed to be tanned head to toe.”

“How many Brazilian guys have you been with?” laughed Jason.

“None, actually…” smiled Shane. “But I’ve studied them closely online — they all seem to have all-over tans and huge cocks. So sexy.”

“Maybe we should work on our all-over tans?” suggested Jason.

“What — get naked here?” asked Shane.

“Why not?” grinned Jason. “There’s no one else around — let’s do it!”

Jason winked, undid the waist tie of his swim-briefs, hooked his thumbs into the waistband and pulled them down and off.

“Your turn!” declared Jason. Shane quickly followed suit and soon both boys were lying naked on their towels. “I like this…” giggled Jason. “Feels good to have sun on my ass. Makes me horny.”

“Everything makes you horny!” laughed Shane. “You’ve constantly got a hard-on!”

“Yup! nodded Jason. “Check it out!” Jason rolled over onto his back and proudly displayed his hard cock to Shane. Shane also rolled onto his back and grinned as his hard cock also sprang into view.

“So, are we going to just lie here with our hard cocks, or are we going to do something about it?” asked Shane. Jason rolled over on top of Shane and brought their mouths together in a deep passionate kiss, their bodies grinding together as their tongues wrestled.

“You boys want some company?” said a voice suddenly, coming from somewhere above them. Shane and Jason immediately broke off their kissing in surprise and looked up — there was a guy standing above them up on the sand dune. He looked to be in his early 40s, masculine and muscular, he was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. “Don’t mind me…” smiled the guy, realising that he’d startled the boys. “Looks like you’re having fun. How about we have some fun together?”

Shane looked quickly at Jason and could see that they were both thinking the same thing.

“Sure…” grinned Shane. The guy quickly walked down the sandbank to where they were and stripped off his clothes, revealing his hairy, powerful chest, and a long, fat, hard cock.

“I’m Frank…” said the guy. “This is my cock. How about you get acquainted?” Frank put his hands on the back of Shane and Jason’s necks and bent them over to bring both their mouths down to service his hard cock.

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Shane and Jason eagerly went to work, licking and sucking, slurping up and down the shaft of the hard cock, enjoying the feeling of their lips mashing together and their tongues entwining as the hard cock pushed between their faces.

“That’s it, boys… fuck… you sluts sure now how to work a cock…” moaned Frank. “Who wants their ass fucked first?” Both Shane and Jason immediately put their hands up while continuing to suck Frank’s cock. “So you’re both little cunt-boys are you? Whores for cock?” The boys nodded happily, turned on by Frank’s domineering and aggressive attitude. “On your hands and knees — show me those fuck-holes.”

Shane and Jason quickly positioned themselves on their hands and knees on their towels on the sand. Frank used one hand on the ass of each boy, prodding and probing with his fingers.

“Fuck yeah… such sweet boy-cunts…” admired Frank. Shane and Jason kissed, thrilled at the way that their sunbathing had turned out, loving the way that Frank was toying with their asses. After lubricating and loosening the boy’s asses with his spit and his fingers, Frank arranged them so that Shane was on his hands and knees and Jason was lying on top of him — their exposed asses lined up one on top of the other. Frank lined his cock up first against Shane’s spit-slick fuck-hole pushing it forward powerfully, pushing it in all the way.

“Ungh!” grunted Shane, feeling himself filled with Frank’s cock. After a few quick, hard thrusts Frank pulled his cock out of Shane and lined himself against Jason’s ass.

“Oh fuck!” moaned Jason, as Frank slammed his cock into him.

Frank began alternating his attentions — a few thrusts into Jason and then slamming his cock into Shane, ramming his cock in and out of Shane’s boy-hole before switching back to Jason and repeating it.

“So fucking hot…” growled Frank. “Two fucking boy-cunts… sluts… whores for cock… fucking taking my cock… going to get my load… oh fuck… fuck… here it comes…”

Frank could feel the cum boiling up inside him, he was so turned on by his encounter with Shane and Jason that he knew that he wouldn’t be able to last much longer.

“Oh fuck yeah… get ready boys… Ungh! Fuck! Fuck!” Frank pulled his cock out of Shane’s stretched fuck-hole and sprayed a huge load of cum over both of their asses, ropes of sticky white cum coating both of their fuck-holes. “Fuck yeah…” growled Frank as he fucked his cock back into Shane, and then back into Jason, using the head of his cock to swab up the cum so that he could push it deep inside the puffy boy-holes that he’d just fucked.

Eventually, Shane and Jason disentangled themselves and collapsed down onto their towels while Frank wiped himself up, got dressed and headed off down the beach.

“That was fucking hot!” laughed Shane, wrapping his arms around Jason and pulling him close for a tender kiss.

“Totally” nodded Jason happily. “We should definitely work on our all-over tans more often!”

Riding the Waves
We’re serialising Riding the waves on Mainly Male. This is the seventh instalment.

Read earlier instalments from the story.

Photo by Mike Fox on Unsplash
Photo by Mike Fox on Unsplash

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