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Are you dating a loser? (image sourced from stock photo library) Are you dating a loser? (image sourced from stock photo library)

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Are you dating a loser?

Are you dating a loser? (image sourced from stock photo library)

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Have you ever wondered if you’re dating a loser? Daily, people ask me why their love life isn’t working. Upon careful examination, the number one reason why people’s love lives don’t work is because they don’t know how to pick the right type of partner for them.

Living in big cities presents us with many options and this makes it more complicated. There are many types of men available, but few will actually go anywhere and even fewer of these will turn into a proper relationship. Don’t give up hope though! There are tricks you can use to figure out if you should keep on investing in your relationship or move on.

This article will help you uncover the most common losers in the dating pool. After all, your time and money matters, don’t waste it on someone who can’t give you what you want.

Six Common Types of Losers

The Fixer Upper:

This is the type of man whose situation leaves much to be desired. He’s addicted, depressed, or just plain too neurotic to make a relationship work. He may not be over his past relationship and is therefore unable to make a new meaningful connection. He lacks the self-awareness and strength to do something about his own problems. He usually has lots of excuses and blames others for why he hasn’t accomplished more in his life.

The short of it, he lacks the maturity to accept that he needs to do something about his own issues before he can be the sort of lover that people will find attractive.

You know you’re dating one of these if you find yourself always in the position where you need to rescue them or fix their problems! Sex with these types of people tends to be very poor as they’re too afraid to let go and they usually are very selfish in a non-sexy way too. If you’re going to have sex, I believe it is important to have great sex!

The Directionless

This type of man can’t find his way out of a wet paper bag, let alone actually know what he wants in life or in a relationship. They will often give vague answers about what they want or are ready for. They send mixed signals and will often leave you in a position where you feel you’re carrying the weight of the relationship.

Signs to watch out for — no ambition, low motivation, not being able to order something off a menu, not being able to make a decision, too afraid about making a mistake, seems to not be at a place that you would expect a person to be at their age. If you see any of these signs in your relationship, be careful!

The Broke Guy

Now, I know that there are hard times in all of our lives. I’m not expecting everyone to be a millionaire either. However, if a man is actually ready to date, he should be able to buy you a drink and take you out for a date without you having to foot the bill. Many men will be short on change and yes, this does make a difference. Especially as we get older and want to do things with a partner or boyfriend — travel, go out and have fun. All of these things usually involve money and trust me, the amount of couples I have seen have an argument in my office over money.

You can’t convince me that money doesn’t play a factor in a person attractiveness or lack of. None of us know how long we have to live so my advice is to move on and find a man who can afford to take you on a date.

The Player

This is the man who will never commit to anything but his own agenda because of his fears of intimacy and being controlled. They are often very attractive, advertise themselves as being “independent” or “sorted”. Though these sound like excellent qualities they’re also warning signs at times.

Take my advice, ask them about their longest relationship and why it ended. These types of men usually have an ideal relationship they have yet to experience or will lament about a lost love and compare you to them, they are in the pursuit of the impossible. My advice is to move on, however I will add that this type of men are also usually skilled in the bedroom. So depending on what you are seeking, a player may just do the trick.

The Insecure guy

This man lacks the skills to pay the bills. He doesn’t have the confidence to come across as sexy, or confident. He feels insecure about his body or what other people think about him or what he said. They’re also very anxious generally and will develop close relationships very quickly because they’re usually afraid that they won’t get another opportunity. These men can be very devoted to a relationship, but their devotion will come across as a deep sense of dependence and this is also very controlling at times.

You’ll know you are involved with one of these men if they spend lots of time in the gym, looking at themselves in the mirror or are often fishing for compliments. They will also be usually lacking in boundaries and this will come across as desperate at times. My advice, stay away from this type of men because they don’t have the ability to love themselves yet. They won’t know what to do with the love you may want to give them.

The Hopeless Romantic

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This man is rarer these days, but they do still exist. This is the sort of man that will pursues a fantasy and then leaves once he catches on that life itself is not a fantasy. These men tend to have very short-lived relationships where they will say all the right things and do all the right things. Yet, ironically, despite all of this, they’re still single and haven’t managed to hang onto a man. This is because they’re more invested in trying to make a relationship perfect than actually having a relationship and engaging with the person in a real way.

You’ll know you are involved with one of these men if they can’t have constructive arguments or speak about tense emotions. They tend to be conflict avoidant and will also have a penchant for Disney or Hollywood romantic comedies. These men will often be poorly skilled lovers in the bedroom, because they lack the ability to speak about serious issues — hygiene, problems with sex, or boundaries — because they’re in pursuit of an ideal that does not exist, except in movies.

These six types of losers are going to waste your time and money. My advice is to watch out for these signs and weigh up your options. A measure of a man is his ability to deal with serious issues. Remember, men can handle problems, little boys run away. Find the men that are available and interested in you, you’ll have better conversations, go further in your relationships, and the sex will be better too!

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Life

Wednesday Wisdom: Heteronormativity

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Photo by Ilya Pavlov on Unsplash
Photo by Ilya Pavlov on Unsplash

I find it hard to shake my perception that dating is ultimately about finding ‘the one’ — that you may have to kiss a lot of frogs in the process, but ultimately you’re hoping to find someone that you really connect with, that you have amazing sex with, that you want to move in together and do domestic things with, that you want to introduce to your family, that you want to go on vacation with, that you want to grow old with and live happily ever after.

That’s pretty much what I’ve seen in my family, that’s what I’ve seen in movies. For some gay couples that I know, that’s exactly how it works.

It’s not difficult to understand that from all of our cultural and environmental influences, we’re being conditioned to aspire to a ‘good’ relationship that roughly fits that Hollywood ideal. This is heteronormativity in action.

One of the foundations of much of queer theory, ‘heteronormative’ is a term first coined by academic Michael Warner in 1991. Heteronormativity is the belief that the binary genders of male and female are required for people to perform the natural roles in life — assuming that heterosexuality is the default and preferable sexual orientation.

I’m not making any moral judgements about anyone’s relationship. If it works for you, then that’s great. If you want to settle down with a husband and live happily ever after, then all power to you — that’s what equality is all about.

But it is helpful to occasionally challenge ourselves by asking if our thoughts or actions are being influenced in some way by the heteronormativity that we’re all exposed to every day.

Here’s an example. A friend of mine has been with his boyfriend for years. They live together, they bought a flat together, they decided to get married. They’ve always had an open relationship — that’s worked for them. The weekend before the wedding, he was in the toilets of XXL — a club in London — getting worked over by two muscle-bears.

My instinctive reaction was — “That’s not right…” It’s the heteronormativity talking. In my head, marriage is about monogamy, and that if you were continuing to enjoy an active and open sex life then maybe marriage is not for you. But clearly I’m applying made-up rules to situations that don’t fit the heternomative model.

Obviously, an open relationship isn’t incompatible with marriage. Neither is a monogamous relationship. But this is an illustration of the complexity that we’re all navigating as marriage equality offers additional options for how we define our relationships.

It’s too easy to apply a Hollywood-happily-ever filter to our view of a marriage between two guys. But gay guys are different, we’ve been told that all of our lives, and in that difference there’s power — just because we can get married doesn’t mean that our marriages have to look like anyone else’s, the only rules that need to apply are the ones that make sense to us.

It’s important that we don’t perpetuate the perception that ‘good gays get married’ or that marriage is only meaningful if it looks like something out of a mid-career Sandra Bullock movie.

It’s not easy to find someone that you want to spend time with, to make compromises for, and perhaps it would be a lot easier if there was a black and white set of rules that all relationships had to follow. But whatever your sexuality, relationships are messy and complicated things that really only ever make sense to the people that are in them.

Embrace love, forget heteronormativity.

Read more from Gareth Johnson

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